As any divorce lawyer for women can tell you, there are some common mistakes that parents make during a divorce that can compromise their case for custody, make them look bad in the eyes of the court, or even draw things out unnecessarily. Avoid the following mistakes if you are in the midst of a divorce, and contact an Indianapolis, IN divorce lawyer right away for more help, especially if you’re fighting for custody of your child.
7 Mistakes to Avoid When Parenting During a Divorce
1. Using Children as Messengers
You should always communicate directly with the other parent about everything, and especially about schedules, finances, and any issues particular to your divorce. If you’re finding it difficult to communicate directly with the other parent, use email, mediation, talk with your lawyer, or even consider a co-parenting app. The one thing you should not do is use your child as a messenger.
For one thing, that’s an unfair burden to lay on a child and may force them to deal with adult issues they are not equipped to handle. For another, they are very likely to misunderstand and get something wrong, which will complicate communication between you and your ex spouse. Finally, you can expect the court to frown on this if they find out about it
2. Speaking Negatively About the Other Parent in Front of the Children
You can expect the court to think very poorly of you if they have any suspicion that you are attempting to undermine the children’s relationship with their other father. This can happen even when that’s not your intention: even though you may just be expressing legitimate anger or criticism, when your children hear it, it can be very harmful to them and can poison their relationship with their father. And if it doesn’t do that, it can make them feel guilty about still loving their father when they know that you don’t. Use a trusted therapist or a trusted adult, like a family member, when you need to vent about a troublesome ex-spouse.
Even if the children’s father is a danger to them – someone even the court agrees should have no say in their life at this time – avoid running down their father in front of the kids. This can make them resent you later, even if they fully understand what kind of man their father is. It may also interfere with their ability to ever build a relationship with their father later in adulthood. Sometimes people change, and even a dad who is a mess right now could potentially get his life together and be a helpful friend and advisor to them later in life.
3. Neglecting Children’s Emotional Needs
It’s so easy to be consumed with your own emotions and all the red tape and legal matters you have to deal with during this time. Remember that your children’s feelings are important, too, and that they are experiencing a wide range of emotions right now. They are confused, they are likely fearful, they are certainly sad, and they may be blaming themselves for this divorce.
It’s very important that you be an emotional support to them during this time. Listen to them, validate their feelings, and get them help from a therapist or counselor. Be sure to get a counselor for yourself as needed, as well, so you have someone to lean on and talk to. And remember that having a divorce lawyer for women during this time will be extremely helpful in taking much of the legal pressure off of you so that you have more emotional space for yourself and your children.
4. Making Abrupt Changes in Routines and Stability
Your children need stability right now more than ever before. Some things about their life are changing drastically, so if other things also change, such as their living arrangements, the school they attend, or their daily routine, this can add so much stress that they can’t handle it.
Wherever it’s possible, maintain consistency and familiarity. If you do have to change something, introduce the idea of the change gradually, explain why it’s necessary in terms that they can understand, and listen to their feelings and allow them to express their fears.
5. Competing for the Children’s Affection
Resist the urge to try to win over your children’s affections or draw them away from their father by indulging them with gifts, leniency and lack of discipline, or showering them with extra privileges. It’s common for parents to do this in an attempt to be considered the “fun parent.” This kind of competition is confusing for the children and actually works against the kind of consistency that they need in their lives right now.
Even more importantly, this is seen as manipulative by the courts and may greatly harm your case for child custody or your standing in other ways. Remember that the courts are not looking for who will be the children’s best buddy: they are looking for who will be a reliable and effective parent.
6. Disrupting Visitation Schedules
If there is a visitation schedule already in place with the other parent, either one that you have agreed upon and the court has signed off on or a court imposed schedule, do not alter it unless there are unavoidable circumstances that require an alteration; and be sure to communicate immediately and effectively with the other parent in that case.
For one thing, the court may reconsider custody arrangements if one parent is denying the other parent their legitimate visitation. The court can even consider this kind of behavior as an insult to the court itself. For another, constantly changing plans will disappoint your children and destabilize their routine, which is not good for them.
7. Not Taking Care of Yourself
Your children need you right now. And while it might seem that the best thing that you could do would be to spend all your time with them, you can’t help your children effectively if you are in a bad place yourself. If you avoid getting the professional counseling or therapy you need, you may find that the emotional challenges are just too much. Even a support group can provide you with valuable assistance in managing your emotions, learning healthy coping strategies, and becoming a better communicator.
You can’t pour water from an empty cup. If you are not physically and emotionally healthy, you have nothing to give to your children. Be sure to take some time for relaxation, exercise, and hobbies so that you can have all the emotional strength possible for your kids.
Talk with an Indianapolis, IN Divorce Lawyer for Women
One of the best things you can do to protect yourself and your kids is to work with a qualified lawyer who has experience in defending women and their rights. A lawyer will be able to take a lot of the stress off your shoulders and protect you from making mistakes that could harm your custody arrangements or make you look bad with the court. Contact us now at Woodford Sathappan McGee in Indianapolis, Detroit, Cincinnati, Columbus, and San Antonio: we’ve been fighting for women for years, and we’ll fight for your rights, too.
